It’s the 3rd day of the Chinese New Year, and for most it’s a joyous time of reunions and celebrations but for some, a time of loss.

Somehow, over the last year I’ve crossed paths with many women who have shared their losses with me. The loss of children specifically. In the womb, as babies, as young as 7, as teenagers. Even though Ive mostly not met them in person – I mourn with them and cry with them. I’m a mom. I cannot imagine losing my children.

I’ve been asked, why is it that God does not heal? Is God Angry when we don’t have enough faith? Why did he allow my child to die if he is good? If God answers my prayers, why did these children pass away even when I prayed? Why do these things happen?

Years ago, and to be honest, probably only up till recently last year -I was not quite comfortable answering these questions while trying to still say God is good and to share Jesus. I felt like if I wanted to share Jesus, I somehow had to defend God and try to give reasons for why these bad things happened. Lack of faith? Opened doors to the enemy?

The truth is that I don’t know and that it’s okay to say that I don’t. Not knowing and understanding why these things happen does not change the truth of the word. God says he’s the same yesterday, today and forever. Jesus said if we have seen Him, we’ve seen the father. Jesus said that He only does what the Father tells him to do.

All I read and see Jesus doing is healing the sick, casting out demons, raising the dead, and allowing the little children to come to him. He raised a little girl from the dead and told her “Talitha(little girl), Koumi(rise up)”.

Jesus told his disciples to preach the gospel, the good news that the kingdom of God has come upon us, to preach repentance, to baptise(immerse) people into water in the name of Jesus for the forgiveness of sin, to heal the sick and to cast out demons.

I’ve seen Jesus set me free from a smoking addiction, removed a cyst in my womb, grow legs out and heal back pains, heal someone’s sight in person and seen so many testimonies of Jesus healing and delivering people today still. Yet why is it that sometimes when we pray for healing nothing happens?

Why is it that when we pray for healing, some people get healed and some don’t? I don’t know… but if we look at Jesus, EVERYONE who came to him was healed. Everyone. He healed ALL kinds of diseases.

Years ago when I prayed for a supernatural delivery and was believing for it, confessing etc by the word of faith that I was taught that if I had enough faith that I would have the birth that I wanted-when I ended up having a C section, I didn’t know how to pray and was stunned. I was hit with disappointment and felt like I didn’t know how to pray anymore.

While this is definitely nothing at all coming close to losing a child, I realised that it’s a fight everytime we are faced with unanswered prayers and major loss. When we trusted God for something so badly, and things don’t go the way we were hoping – we will be faced with 2 choices that the enemy will try to help us make.

1) Allow a spirit of disappointment to sit in our hearts and get offended with God for not answering our prayers
2) Praise Him through the pain because His word doesn’t change. Who He is doesn’t change. He is still God, and even if we don’t understand why, it doesn’t change that He is still God and fight even harder the real enemy – the one that comes to steal, kill and destroy.

I remember not being able to pray or even listen to any sermons or read the bible for months..I was so disappointed and I allowed that disappointment to stay with me till I got prayed over by a brother in Christ who knew nothing about what I was going through but just prayed “Spirit of disappointment, go !”. I broke out immediately in tears and felt something lift off my chest. Wow, disappointment can be a spirit that can go, in Jesus name?

Shortly after, I felt like I could come to God again and I learned to thank Him for what He was going to do instead of telling him what I wanted Him to do. In an impression on my heart I saw a picture of myself mowing the lawn as a little kid too small to handle, only to realize that behind me it was my daddy holding my hands, pushing me. Anything that I remotely think is my own faith or effort is actually only by His Hand and Grace upon my life. He is holding me.

Sometime ago and throughout these times where I’ve mourned and cried with these moms God has led me to connect with, I’ve asked myself how I would choose to respond if this were to happen to me.

And I know that despite the pain, I don’t have a choice because Jesus is still the only way, the truth and the life. God is still God and I will with all my might, mourn the loss and memories but fight being offended with God because Jesus only came to give Life and not to take it.

Jesus healed, not killed.

I will fight the voices of disappointment with God because those are lies.

The word is true.